Everyone loves Chinese food. The sweet, sour, spicy combination on everything from chicken to tofu to fortune cookies makes people think they’re getting more culturally diverse, thanks to their ability to say “VERY GOOD” in a loud, overly-expressive manner to their waiter/waitress while he/she smiles and thinks “21% tip.” Asians, Average and average, enjoy secretly feeling superior to their non-Asian counterparts, but Average Asians are the only ones who actually right deserve to do so. Average Asians, thanks to the slightly banana-like appearance of their skin, are given instant credibility for a topic that they generally do not deserve, but that does not stop us from pretending like we do.
It would be pointless to talk about this concept without examples, maybe borderline retarded. Say there exists an ancient Ming vase laying around the confines of the home of a sophisticated upper-middle class family. The Average Asian (who for some reason has taken a break from researching microbial resistance among staphylococci within their lab at UC Berkeley) will glance at the vase (or more likely be “accidentally” directed to it by their host, who will point and say a smart version of “ain’t that a beaut!) and be able to tell the great tale of Emperor Hongwu and his desires to modernize the Great Army of China into a force that could reckon with the menacing Mongols of the North, inventing the vase as a way to protect the ashes of fallen soldiers so their relatives could pray for their save passage by the Wise Dragon of the Underworld.
Average Asians will try and tell that story, but due to their absolute lack of awareness of their own culture, will tell an even more awesome version of the story, typically involving some kind of martial arts master seeking to avenge the death of his vase-maker father by the Imperial Death-Bringer of the Hong Kong Tribe. This might explain why average Asians are invited to more parties than Average Asians.
Average Asians also have the luck of possessing an ancestral shrine within their homes dedicated to the deity or relative of their choice, often filled with much incense and solemnness. When the lucky visitors come by to pick up their son or daughter from piano or SAT practice, the Average Asian will swoop in and position their guest to the point where it becomes incredibly awkward not to mention the oversized Terra Cotta Buddha they are standing in front of. That’s when the Average Asian modesty of extolling their rich heritage breaks free.
An average Asian will have a game room with a ping pong table, but will not be very good at it. The wall will have a picture of the Great Wall picked up from a nearby yard sale two years back, and when questioned about it, will make bold statements about how it was “great,” “very interesting,” and “very great.” Doing this allows them to talk about their culture from the most superficial direction possible, and often the average Asian will try and advance their standing by adding a word of Orient-sounding origin to bolster their claims.
Note: With the increasing number of non-Asians learning Asiatic languages, it is important to insure that there is no risk of someone confusedly saying “doesn’t that word mean fried dumpling?”
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