#3: Talk about Oriental Culture

Everyone loves Chinese food. The sweet, sour, spicy combination on everything from chicken to tofu to fortune cookies makes people think they’re getting more culturally diverse, thanks to their ability to say “VERY GOOD” in a loud, overly-expressive manner to their waiter/waitress while he/she smiles and thinks “21% tip.” Asians, Average and average, enjoy secretly feeling superior to their non-Asian counterparts, but Average Asians are the only ones who actually right deserve to do so. Average Asians, thanks to the slightly banana-like appearance of their skin, are given instant credibility for a topic that they generally do not deserve, but that does not stop us from pretending like we do.

It would be pointless to talk about this concept without examples, maybe borderline retarded. Say there exists an ancient Ming vase laying around the confines of the home of a sophisticated upper-middle class family. The Average Asian (who for some reason has taken a break from researching microbial resistance among staphylococci within their lab at UC Berkeley) will glance at the vase (or more likely be “accidentally” directed to it by their host, who will point and say a smart version of “ain’t that a beaut!) and be able to tell the great tale of Emperor Hongwu and his desires to modernize the Great Army of China into a force that could reckon with the menacing Mongols of the North, inventing the vase as a way to protect the ashes of fallen soldiers so their relatives could pray for their save passage by the Wise Dragon of the Underworld.

Average Asians will try and tell that story, but due to their absolute lack of awareness of their own culture, will tell an even more awesome version of the story, typically involving some kind of martial arts master seeking to avenge the death of his vase-maker father by the Imperial Death-Bringer of the Hong Kong Tribe. This might explain why average Asians are invited to more parties than Average Asians.

Average Asians also have the luck of possessing an ancestral shrine within their homes dedicated to the deity or relative of their choice, often filled with much incense and solemnness. When the lucky visitors come by to pick up their son or daughter from piano or SAT practice, the Average Asian will swoop in and position their guest to the point where it becomes incredibly awkward not to mention the oversized Terra Cotta Buddha they are standing in front of. That’s when the Average Asian modesty of extolling their rich heritage breaks free.

An average Asian will have a game room with a ping pong table, but will not be very good at it. The wall will have a picture of the Great Wall picked up from a nearby yard sale two years back, and when questioned about it, will make bold statements about how it was “great,” “very interesting,” and “very great.” Doing this allows them to talk about their culture from the most superficial direction possible, and often the average Asian will try and advance their standing by adding a word of Orient-sounding origin to bolster their claims.

Note: With the increasing number of non-Asians learning Asiatic languages, it is important to insure that there is no risk of someone confusedly saying “doesn’t that word mean fried dumpling?”

#2: Becoming more aggressive at driving

An Average Asian: Will wait at a yield sign until there is no view of any oncoming vehicles for at least three miles.

An average Asian: Will go. Other vehicles have brakes for a reason.

Among the many factors that separate the Asians from the the non-Asians, perhaps none is as prominent as driving behavior. To break out of the Average Asian mold, it’s important to take on a more pointlessly aggressive approach towards operating your motor vehicle. However, simply becoming an average Asian driver is dangerous. It’s important to begin with some initial steps:

1) Real average Asians let their emotions take over when they drive. Try and practice expressing emotions; if this is difficult, try and imagine a time of great distress in your life to antagonize and place you in the right mindset. Examples may include failing to win parent’s respect, getting a 97 on a second grade spelling test, or possessing vision which did not necessitate corrective glasses, dooming one to a lifetime of an unobstructed visage.

2) Buy a cell phone and get at least one talkative friend (preferably white). Bonus points for finding a friend who is undergoing issues in their life and just “need a buddy” to talk it out with. The combination of multitasking driving, holding a cell phone, and sighing sympathetically will drive any individual into frustrated rage.

3) Move to Los Angeles.

Average Asians have already masterfully developed the skills required for substandard driving, and following the above criteria will give a solid background for the Average Asian ready to get out of the right lane and into the fastlane.

And don’t get into accidents. Average Asians are supposed to be aggressive drivers, which is harder without a ‘92 Honda Accord.

#1: Find ways to become politely non-politically correct

When Asians see themselves, they tend to accurately group each subset together: Japanese people with the Japanese, Chinese people with the Chinese, Koreans with the Koreans, and so on. However, this balance of zen-proportions is shattered upon the discovery of a person with a flesh tone perhaps a little more creamsicle-like than everyone else. The intricate groupings are merged into one super group: Us, or more simply, “Asians” vs. Them, or “the non-Asians.”

Despite this mindset, Asians are a tolerant group of people who will keep many of their thoughts to themselves. One could say Asians are ambivalent towards ethnic and racial classifications, which is hard to tell since Asians pretty much will keep their motives to themselves, and even their actions may rarely demonstrate their innate sense of Us vs. Them. That being said, an Average Asian (see: About) will, according to Ludacris, “act a fool” and go about their way without a passing thought.

To be clear, advocating racism is a terrible thing. What the average Asian is always aware of is the necessary amount of politeness, without overthinking, that must follow seemingly-racist comments The average American will make a comment such as “I wonder how the British are handling the rise in tea prices” before hastily adding “not that they all drink tea, of course.” Another example might be “Mexicans seem to sleep a lot” before espousing an apologetic “but I have many Mexican friends, and they all work very, very hard” in an attempt to cleanse their impure tongue.

One can begin to see that an average Asian shares similar traits as an average American. An average American, however, does not stack up with an Average Asian. An Average Asian will make meticulous effort to avoid any sort of mishap with their plethora of ethnic acquaintances (of whom they can’t be friends with because friendship takes away from Organic Chemistry review) and serve as a beacon of absolute tolerance, and eventually, annoying perfectionism. If forced to deviate, an Average Asian will precede the racist statement, rather than rationalize it later. For example, an Average Asian will say “Now I’m using the term ‘colored’ because that’s how the book used it,” before making some inane follow-up comment.

The average Asian will rush right ahead, talking and fixing as they go along. Like their American counterparts, they might make a comment or two that seems to step out of bounds, but unlike their Caucasian friends, it’s okay because Caucasians believe that being a minority equates to overcoming oppression, and will grant much more leeway. As long as you can give a meaningful “oh-I-didn’t-mean-to-say-black” look to your companion, you’ll be excused. More importantly, you’ll be one step closer to becoming an average Asian.

Nothing Beats Being Average

Growing up as a [Asian ancestral heritage] in [nearest American metropolitan area], I was always surprised at how few [Asian ancestral heritage] there were. Having to defend my identity against the [predominant non-Asian minority group] and Whites helped shape me into the free-thinking, strong-willed, and independent person I am today. This would make me a perfect addition to the Class of [year] at [top 25 ranked university], and my unique traits will only go to further diversity and understanding on campus.

There are not enough average Asians out there (See: About).

It’s a given fact that there are too many Asian and Asian-American students applying for top-tiered universities, because all of us are bred to be winners. No one breeds losers, as Asian parents will say, since they end up in inferior institutions which don’t have the distinction of having a number lower than the number of miles said parent had to walk every morning to till soil with wooden chopsticks as their rank before their name.

There’s something humbling about attending any school and realizing that you will remain average for the duration of your college career, especially if it’s Harvard. As an Asian, you will be expected to soar above and beyond, because as your Asian parent will tell you, anything less will bring dishonor upon the ancestors and next week’s pork dumplings. To be average is like replacing the pork with a small, liberal arts college in rural America.

Grinnell College? You might as well don a peasant hat and start planting rice crops for next year’s harvest. And Asians only buy rice from Ivy-educated peasants, so looks like someone’s going to end up in graduate school to “discover” themselves. Next stop, Master’s in Art History!

So why deal with all the pressure? Let’s all just take a load off and relax. Being average is American, and nobody wants a bookworm-terrorist. Asian culture is far too competitive, too pressured, and too dog-eat-dog (see: man-eat-dog), why not take a break?

I’m an average Asian, and I’ve come to accept it. Why not take the plunge yourself?